Nov. 6, 2025
In The Beginning...
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Redeemed and Rebuilt – Episode 1: Day One
Welcome to the first episode of Redeemed and Rebuilt—a raw, honest journal from the messy middle of transformation. In this deeply personal debut, your host shares his journey through years of discomfort, shame, faith struggles, and physical and emotional battles, inviting listeners into a brotherhood of men rebuilding their lives.
In This Episode:
- Why real change rarely happens in a single dramatic moment
- The slow, quiet pain of living with discomfort and self-doubt
- Struggles with body image, faith, and feeling “late” in life
- The reality of weight loss, surgery, and the limits of physical transformation
- Wrestling with faith, atheism, and the search for meaning after loss and illness
- The impact of cancer, grief, and fatherhood on personal growth
- The three pillars of rebuilding: Mind, Body, and Spirit
- What to expect from future episodes: honest conversations, practical tools, and a supportive community
Key Quotes:
- “It wasn’t a moment. It was a buildup. A thousand tiny choices that kept me stuck.”
- “Surgery fixed my stomach. It didn’t fix my mind. It did not fix my spirit.”
- “If you are in the middle, you’re not late. You’re just where your story changes direction.”
- “Every man deserves redemption and every man can be rebuilt.”
Call to Action:
- Share your story, questions, or feedback—this podcast is a brotherhood, not just a show.
- Subscribe, leave a review, and join the journey of rebuilding together.
Connect:
- Website and newsletter coming soon—stay tuned for ways to interact and share your journey
Transcript
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I didn't really have one dramatic movie moment
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where everything changed. No perfect rock bottom
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scene. No angel choir. No before and after montage
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like you see in the movies. For me, it was slower.
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It was quieter. Almost boring. It was years of
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just being uncomfortable in my own body, in my
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own mind. Years of avoiding mirrors, sucking
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in that stomach, pretending I wasn't in pain.
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It was walking past reflective windows and pretending
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I didn't see myself. Man, I would avoid looking
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at myself. It was learning how to grab the towel
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just right so I didn't have to look down in the
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shower. It was breathing heavy from tying my
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shoes and telling myself, it's just allergies.
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It's just a long day. I'm just getting older.
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And then, one day, in the most ordinary way,
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it hit me. If I don't do something, this is just
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going to be my life. Not a phase, not a temporary
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rough patch, my life. The body that hurt, the
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mind that bullied me, the faith that felt either
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distant or just completely gone. So here's what
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this podcast is. This podcast is me deciding
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that this will not be my life story. This is
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my real day one. My Genesis. Not the first time
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I tried a diet. Not the first time I said I'll
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start on a Monday. Not the first time I skimmed
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a Bible verse. This is the day I stop pretending
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I'm fine and start rebuilding. In public. If
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you're a man listening to this who feels late,
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behind, broken, or just tired of your own excuses,
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I want you to hear this. You are not stuck with
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the current version of you. You are not locked.
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into the worst thing you've ever done you're
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not beyond being rebuilt welcome to redeemed
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and rebuilt let's start from the beginning welcome
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again i'm not a coach i'm not a philosopher i'm
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definitely not a fitness model or some perfect
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Christian influencer. Far from it. I am just
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a man trying to do better. I'm a husband. I'm
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a dad. I'm a guy who has battled severe obesity,
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doubt, cancer, and shame, and still wants to
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become the man that God wants me to be. This
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podcast is my open journal. I'm not recording
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this from the finish line. I'm recording it right
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in the middle of the mess. And if you're in that
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same mess, in that same messy middle, then this
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is for you. All right. It's time to just lay
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it out. Who did I have this in mind? Or who did
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I have in mind when I decided to hit record on
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this thing? This is for the men. Who feel left
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behind. Guys who look around and think. Everyone
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my age is further ahead than me. They're fitter.
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They're more successful. More disciplined. More
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whatever. It's for the men who feel late in life.
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Like maybe they missed the window. To get healthy.
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To get right with God. To repair broken relationships.
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Maybe to become who they always thought they
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wanted to be. It's for the guys who didn't grow
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up super churchy. Maybe you went to church as
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a kid. Maybe you didn't. Maybe you had a full
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-on atheist era like I did. I know I was brought
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up in a Catholic church. I remember having to
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be drugged to church every Sunday morning with
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my mom or my dad, my aunts. And I remember thinking,
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what a bunch of hypocrites, what a bunch of nonsense.
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You hear the stories and the gossiping that goes
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on in and out of the church pews. That's all
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I chose to see. Maybe you watched the debates.
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You watched the Hitchens clips at 2 a .m. You
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thought, yeah, this guy makes sense. Logic felt
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safer. and surrender you didn't really see a
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lot of those christians you wanted to be like
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i said you saw hypocrisy you said judgment you
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saw people talk about grace but throw stones
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in the group chats so you checked out maybe the
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surrealness of it maybe the fantasy how could
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that all this be real how could someone come
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back from the dead how could someone You know,
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do all these things. These miracles turn water
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into wine. Of course they could do it back then.
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They were illiterate, virtually coming out of
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the caves. It's for the men who lost the weight
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and still don't like what they see. You did the
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diet. Maybe you're like me. You did the surgery.
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You dropped the pounds. Everyone around you said,
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God look amazing. Oh my god. No fantastic. Do
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you look But inside You asked yourself why don't
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I feel fixed Why do I still hate what I see Why
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am I still carrying the shame which felt as heavy
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as the weight I carried prior This podcast It's
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for dads, for husbands, for sons, for brothers
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who are trying to lead their families. Trying
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to lead their families while still rebuilding
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themselves and dealing with the guilt that comes
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with that. How can you be everything for everyone
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all the time when you're not everything for yourself
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anytime? You have your kids watching you. You've
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got a partner depending on you. You feel this
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pressure to be the rock. And some days you feel
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more like quicksand. Here's the key part of all
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this. I wanted to record this in real time. Not
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after I made it and I don't know if I'm going
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to make it. Maybe I'll make it so far. And that's
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okay. Maybe that's what progress is. I didn't
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want to come to you 10 years from now with some
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memoir or some self -help book that you pick
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up off the shelves and you read it and it just
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tells you to do these things. Just do this and
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all this will happen. But they gloss over 10,
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15, 20 years of struggle. And then when you start
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applying what they want you to apply, the struggle
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starts. What happens? We abandon it. We quit.
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And we say, yeah, it's easy. Hindsight's 20 -20.
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I wanted to start here. While I'm still figuring
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this out. Still messing up. Still learning how
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to follow Jesus, as awkward as it can be. Still
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rebuilding my body with all the information that
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just inundates you about what's the right thing
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to do, what's the right thing to eat, what's
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the right workout, what's the right supplements.
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While I'm still rewiring my mind. One thing I
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know is if you're in the middle, you're not late.
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You're just... where your story changes direction
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people love to ask so what was that moment that
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changed everything i get why we like that one
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clean story that this happened to me and boom
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i'm reborn i didn't have one i always envied
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better i watched people who were ahead of me
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fitter more put together, more disciplined, and
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something in me burned. I wanted to be that person.
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I always wanted more. I always want more. But
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I was too lazy, too ashamed, too scarred to start.
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It wasn't a moment. It was a buildup. A thousand
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tiny choices that kept me stuck. A thousand little
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lies I told myself. A thousand I'll start on
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Mondays. Until one day, the pain of staying the
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same finally got heavier than the pain of changing.
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I think that's when everything quietly started
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to shift. Not in fireworks, in a decision. The
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decision of... I just cannot keep living like
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this. Let's talk about the physical side. Because
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for a long time, that was the loudest part of
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my story. It was the most obvious part of my
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story. You could see it. Not only could you see
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it, you could see the reaction to it. Boy, when
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you're 500 pounds, you really get to see those
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eyes shift. Or the people fighting to not look.
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When your clothes don't fit, your pants don't
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stay up. Mine still don't stay up sometimes.
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When you're 500 pounds, that is a level of obesity
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that most people will never understand. It's
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not just, oh, I'm a bit chubby or I'm a bit out
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of shape. Man, I got to do a bit more. When you're
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500 pounds, I'm telling you, it's stuff like
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not being able to clean yourself properly and
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the shame that comes with that. It's needing
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the extra time in the bathroom because your body
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doesn't move the way it should. And you build
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your whole life around hiding facts like that.
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I would wait to come home if I was at work. To
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use the washroom. Sometimes I'd. Wait till the
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end of the day. If I wasn't home. It's avoiding
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the mirrors. Or only looking from. The neck up.
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It's strategically choosing clothes. That would
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help you disappear. Dark. Baggy everything. It's
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walking into a room and calculating. I know this
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for a fact. Will this chair hold me? If I sit
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on that stool, is it going to creak? I remember
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one time I brought my wife to get her nails done
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and I decided just to sit and have a coffee and
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wait for her. I sat on the couch at the entrance.
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I sat right through the couch. Must have been
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11 o 'clock in the morning, packed nail salon.
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I literally broke the couch to the ground. I
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became a yes man. Not just because I was so easy
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going, but because I hated confrontation. I hated
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the attention. When you're 500 pounds, your body
00:13:41.500 --> 00:13:44.720
feels like a spotlight. So I use my personality
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as the shield. I tried to be funny, likable,
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helpful, anything that would make people see
00:13:53.299 --> 00:13:56.080
something other than the fact that I was 500
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pounds. But inside, inside I existed in a state
00:14:02.860 --> 00:14:07.080
of constant unhappiness. Not every moment, but
00:14:07.080 --> 00:14:09.659
there was a heaviness in the air around me that
00:14:09.659 --> 00:14:14.299
I carried everywhere I went. Breathing was heavy.
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Sleeping was harder. Walking up the stairs, That
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was an event. Every time I'd try something, a
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diet, a challenge, a new start, I'd go hard for
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a bit, and then I'd crash again. Each failure
00:14:36.710 --> 00:14:40.009
added another layer of shame, another brick in
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the wall between me and the life I wanted. Eventually,
00:14:46.830 --> 00:14:52.879
I'd hit an emergency. It wasn't the theoretical
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anymore. It was the medical. It was, if you keep
00:14:55.960 --> 00:14:58.860
going like this, your body is going to cash out.
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And I tried everything. Like I said, every plan,
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every shortcut, every hack, nothing stuck. So
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I chose weight loss surgery. And I want to say
00:15:13.259 --> 00:15:21.480
this clearly. It was one, if not the, Best decisions
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of my life. I'm grateful I did it. I'm grateful
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it exists. But I'm also going to say this just
00:15:31.340 --> 00:15:39.440
as clearly. It was only a tool. Surgery fixed
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my stomach. It didn't fix my mind. It did not
00:15:44.299 --> 00:15:50.429
fix my spirit. The tool changed. what I could
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eat. It didn't change how I saw myself. It didn't
00:15:53.450 --> 00:15:55.710
erase decades of shame. It didn't answer the
00:15:55.710 --> 00:15:58.809
deeper questions of who am I? Who am I really?
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And what am I here for? That's what this podcast
00:16:04.909 --> 00:16:09.529
is for. This is going to be the space where we
00:16:09.529 --> 00:16:12.889
work on the parts the surgery couldn't touch.
00:16:15.789 --> 00:16:20.470
Let's talk about faith for a bit. Because my
00:16:20.470 --> 00:16:23.710
journey here wasn't, I grew up in church, believed
00:16:23.710 --> 00:16:28.809
everything, never questioned a thing. There was
00:16:28.809 --> 00:16:33.950
a long stretch where I was deep into that atheist
00:16:33.950 --> 00:16:37.529
era. I came up in the heyday of it. The prime
00:16:37.529 --> 00:16:42.669
time of guys out there essentially preaching
00:16:42.669 --> 00:16:49.960
against preaching. I'd be up at 2 a .m. watching
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christopher hitchens and richard dawkins with
00:16:52.279 --> 00:16:57.299
their incredible eloquence if there is anybody
00:16:57.299 --> 00:17:03.120
who could speak and debate in a way that could
00:17:03.120 --> 00:17:08.180
move a mountain it was the late christopher hitchens
00:17:08.180 --> 00:17:13.980
and we have a 2am watching hitch watching richard
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dawkins all the secular thinkers dismantling
00:17:17.140 --> 00:17:21.039
religion and honestly If I'm being honest, they
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are and they were compelling. Logic felt safer
00:17:25.700 --> 00:17:30.059
than surrender. Arguments felt safer than trust.
00:17:31.140 --> 00:17:36.500
And to be honest, they are. And we'll get into
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this throughout these episodes. It is easier
00:17:40.759 --> 00:17:46.279
when you think about it than surrender. Arguing.
00:17:46.910 --> 00:17:49.529
for the sake of arguing, is easier than just
00:17:49.529 --> 00:17:55.109
letting go and trusting. That's the part about
00:17:55.109 --> 00:18:00.069
learning about finding faith again. Plus, I saw
00:18:00.069 --> 00:18:03.009
plenty of Christian hypocrisy that made me think,
00:18:03.109 --> 00:18:06.990
if that's what following God looks like, I'm
00:18:06.990 --> 00:18:12.049
good. So I built this identity of this guy who
00:18:12.049 --> 00:18:15.789
saw through it. I was proud of not needing God.
00:18:18.670 --> 00:18:24.250
But then life happened. Cancer entered the chat.
00:18:26.950 --> 00:18:29.369
When you're sitting in that chair getting treatment,
00:18:29.470 --> 00:18:33.289
facing your own fragility, your own mortality,
00:18:33.529 --> 00:18:37.750
you're the tough guy. I've got it all figured
00:18:37.750 --> 00:18:44.369
out. Act. It starts to crack. Suddenly those
00:18:44.369 --> 00:18:46.269
big questions just aren't intellectual anymore.
00:18:48.430 --> 00:18:54.150
They're personal. You start wondering, if there
00:18:54.150 --> 00:18:59.630
is a God, where is he in this? Two battles of
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cancer. The second battle, I remember waking
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up from surgery for a feeding tube. I didn't
00:19:08.450 --> 00:19:12.170
just wake up normal. I woke up strapped to the
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bed with a breathing tube still in. My throat.
00:19:18.250 --> 00:19:20.609
They couldn't remove it because of the damage
00:19:20.609 --> 00:19:22.430
and the inflammation that was caused from the
00:19:22.430 --> 00:19:29.589
radiation treatment. Folks, guys, little side
00:19:29.589 --> 00:19:33.869
note, preventable throat cancer has risen by
00:19:33.869 --> 00:19:42.309
as much as 78 % in men. And I'm going to tell
00:19:42.309 --> 00:19:45.230
you that if you do your research and you look
00:19:45.230 --> 00:19:47.460
into it, The radiation treatment for head and
00:19:47.460 --> 00:19:52.299
neck cancer is the worst. I went weeks without
00:19:52.299 --> 00:19:56.619
eating, months without any eating or drinking.
00:19:58.619 --> 00:20:01.079
I was hooked up to a feeding tube that had to
00:20:01.079 --> 00:20:06.140
be on constantly. I woke up from that surgery
00:20:06.140 --> 00:20:11.019
and I look over. And who was there? My mother.
00:20:12.759 --> 00:20:18.630
This woman couldn't walk. Existed in an amount
00:20:18.630 --> 00:20:23.049
of pain Later on we realized why she was in so
00:20:23.049 --> 00:20:30.930
much pain She was there And that's when another
00:20:30.930 --> 00:20:38.349
earthquake came I've lost I had lost my mother
00:20:38.349 --> 00:20:44.990
And I was there witnessing when she passed and
00:20:44.990 --> 00:20:47.039
that's the kind of really the kind of moment
00:20:47.039 --> 00:20:50.880
you can't rehearse you're watching someone you
00:20:50.880 --> 00:20:55.180
love leave this world everything in you is crying
00:20:55.180 --> 00:21:04.019
in that moment through the grief there was this
00:21:04.019 --> 00:21:08.720
strange sense of peace it didn't feel like she
00:21:08.720 --> 00:21:14.880
was just blinked out of existence it felt honestly
00:21:17.710 --> 00:21:22.829
It felt like she was guided home. I couldn't
00:21:22.829 --> 00:21:31.589
fit that old, neat little anti -God. I couldn't
00:21:31.589 --> 00:21:36.930
fit that into it. Scratch. I couldn't fit that
00:21:36.930 --> 00:21:39.109
into my old, neat little anti -God arguments.
00:21:42.029 --> 00:21:46.150
And then the opposite side of the spectrum. Before
00:21:46.150 --> 00:21:50.750
all of this, And before I touch on this, I just
00:21:50.750 --> 00:21:56.170
want to say, losing the weight opened so many
00:21:56.170 --> 00:21:58.730
doors and opened me to things that I thought
00:21:58.730 --> 00:22:03.450
I would never have. One, I would have never caught
00:22:03.450 --> 00:22:05.390
the cancer because I probably wouldn't have felt
00:22:05.390 --> 00:22:09.089
the lump in my neck before it was too late. It
00:22:09.089 --> 00:22:14.170
would have been under maybe an inch of fat. The
00:22:14.170 --> 00:22:19.839
other was I ended up... Through many life decisions,
00:22:20.099 --> 00:22:25.819
many changes in life. We'll get into that. I
00:22:25.819 --> 00:22:28.619
was having the opportunity to have my girls.
00:22:31.440 --> 00:22:36.720
So in between cancer one and cancer two. Came
00:22:36.720 --> 00:22:43.900
the girls. Holding my daughters. All three pounds
00:22:43.900 --> 00:22:48.579
of them. Seeing their faces. Feeling the. Tiny
00:22:48.579 --> 00:22:52.059
weight of them in my hands for the first time.
00:22:54.619 --> 00:23:00.180
It was like grace had a body. I remember thinking,
00:23:00.299 --> 00:23:07.119
there's no way that this is all random. Something
00:23:07.119 --> 00:23:11.400
in me softened. Something in me woke up. Through
00:23:11.400 --> 00:23:14.819
all of these things, I started to sense a whisper.
00:23:16.109 --> 00:23:19.109
You can keep arguing with me if you want, but
00:23:19.109 --> 00:23:23.930
I've been here the whole time. That's what led
00:23:23.930 --> 00:23:29.369
me here. And this podcast is me learning how
00:23:29.369 --> 00:23:34.450
to believe again out loud. Not perfectly, not
00:23:34.450 --> 00:23:37.650
with any or all of the answers, but honestly.
00:23:40.410 --> 00:23:42.730
To make sense of this journey, I'm going to frame
00:23:42.730 --> 00:23:45.069
it through what I'm going to call the three pillars.
00:23:47.369 --> 00:23:52.250
Pillar one, mind. Because if the inner voice
00:23:52.250 --> 00:23:55.410
is toxic, if the story you tell yourself is always
00:23:55.410 --> 00:24:03.369
your, not enough, nothing else will work. Body.
00:24:04.710 --> 00:24:07.730
Because our physical health affects our confidence,
00:24:07.970 --> 00:24:14.849
our energy, our mood, our ability to show up
00:24:14.849 --> 00:24:19.890
for the people we love. And finally, spirit.
00:24:20.470 --> 00:24:24.069
Because I tried doing life without God and eventually
00:24:24.069 --> 00:24:30.569
I've run out of answers. Every episode on this
00:24:30.569 --> 00:24:34.109
podcast is going to touch on one or more of these
00:24:34.109 --> 00:24:37.869
pillars. Some weeks we'll dig into the mind,
00:24:37.990 --> 00:24:43.349
overthinking, shame, mental health. Another,
00:24:43.529 --> 00:24:46.470
we'll talk about the body. Weight loss, discipline,
00:24:46.710 --> 00:24:49.630
the realities of starting from behind. We'll
00:24:49.630 --> 00:24:55.269
talk about body dysmorphia in men. And the struggle
00:24:55.269 --> 00:24:58.109
of when you get to what you think is where you
00:24:58.109 --> 00:25:04.150
want it to be, what happens after that. We're
00:25:04.150 --> 00:25:06.569
going to talk about that challenge that they
00:25:06.569 --> 00:25:11.710
don't tell you about. Another week, maybe we'll
00:25:11.710 --> 00:25:15.200
talk about the spirit, faith, doubt. Prayer.
00:25:15.299 --> 00:25:19.099
How to pray. Scripture. All the awkward, beautiful
00:25:19.099 --> 00:25:22.500
tension of learning how to walk with God. We
00:25:22.500 --> 00:25:28.839
will learn the difference, folks, of what it
00:25:28.839 --> 00:25:31.900
means to be Christian and what it means to be
00:25:31.900 --> 00:25:36.140
Christ -like. And there's something about that
00:25:36.140 --> 00:25:43.880
I think there's a huge difference. That's the
00:25:43.880 --> 00:25:46.599
framework. That's how we're going to rebuild.
00:25:49.500 --> 00:25:56.160
So in this first episode, I just wanted to tell
00:25:56.160 --> 00:26:00.839
you how I got here. The broken parts. The pride.
00:26:02.140 --> 00:26:11.619
The shame. The cancer. The surgery. The atheism.
00:26:14.250 --> 00:26:19.069
And the moment, folks, the moment I finally said,
00:26:19.230 --> 00:26:27.329
God, if you're real, I'm listening. This is the
00:26:27.329 --> 00:26:33.269
origin story of Redeemed and Rebuilt. Let's zoom
00:26:33.269 --> 00:26:38.710
in a bit on a few key chapters of my life. Cancer.
00:26:41.039 --> 00:26:42.500
I'm telling you, when I heard the word cancer,
00:26:42.619 --> 00:26:44.640
it was like the air got sucked out of the room.
00:26:44.759 --> 00:26:49.200
I can remember sitting there. This was right
00:26:49.200 --> 00:26:51.920
in the middle of COVID. In the middle of the
00:26:51.920 --> 00:26:55.599
start of COVID, it was a disaster. I had just
00:26:55.599 --> 00:27:02.279
met my wife. She wasn't my wife. I think we were
00:27:02.279 --> 00:27:07.960
together for a month. I had gone for all the
00:27:07.960 --> 00:27:09.839
routine testing and... When you go for these
00:27:09.839 --> 00:27:11.759
testing, they all do their best to try to tell
00:27:11.759 --> 00:27:15.400
you, hey, don't worry about it. I'm sure it's
00:27:15.400 --> 00:27:20.519
nothing. 99 % of the time, it's nothing. But
00:27:20.519 --> 00:27:26.160
was it nothing? And as impatient as I am, I got
00:27:26.160 --> 00:27:32.180
the results on my phone. Couldn't really make
00:27:32.180 --> 00:27:35.380
sense of them. Didn't really know much about
00:27:35.380 --> 00:27:37.700
ChatGPT to just plop them in there and have it
00:27:37.700 --> 00:27:40.819
read it. So I called the doctor and they called
00:27:40.819 --> 00:27:48.180
me back. Sure enough, it was cancer, throat cancer.
00:27:50.980 --> 00:27:56.460
I just collapsed. And I remember the first thing
00:27:56.460 --> 00:28:02.960
telling my wife after being a month together
00:28:02.960 --> 00:28:10.299
was, nobody signs up for this. If you want out,
00:28:10.339 --> 00:28:16.960
I'll understand. Brothers, she's still here.
00:28:18.099 --> 00:28:21.480
Up until then, my body had been this ongoing
00:28:21.480 --> 00:28:27.200
frustration. But that day, that moment, it became
00:28:27.200 --> 00:28:31.920
a full -blown threat. And there's something about
00:28:31.920 --> 00:28:35.700
facing your mortality, especially for the first
00:28:35.700 --> 00:28:38.769
time, that strips away. The comfortable lies.
00:28:38.950 --> 00:28:43.809
The things like, I'll get to it later. I have
00:28:43.809 --> 00:28:50.049
time. I'll change when life slows down. I'll
00:28:50.049 --> 00:28:56.009
change when life slows down. Suddenly later isn't
00:28:56.009 --> 00:29:00.130
guaranteed. And in the middle of treatment, I
00:29:00.130 --> 00:29:03.829
remember feeling this weird mix of fear and clarity.
00:29:05.569 --> 00:29:09.839
The sense that, Life was more fragile than I'd
00:29:09.839 --> 00:29:16.359
admitted, but also more meaningful than I allowed.
00:29:19.140 --> 00:29:23.880
The whisper of God for me started getting louder
00:29:23.880 --> 00:29:27.279
in those chairs through the fatigue, through
00:29:27.279 --> 00:29:32.940
the uncertainty, through the pain. Being present
00:29:32.940 --> 00:29:36.049
when my mom passed was one of the hardest. i
00:29:36.049 --> 00:29:37.730
have to say maybe one of the holiest moments
00:29:37.730 --> 00:29:42.250
of my life you're watching someone who gave you
00:29:42.250 --> 00:29:50.029
life take their last breath time feels different
00:29:50.029 --> 00:29:57.809
the room feels different in that moment i didn't
00:29:57.809 --> 00:30:01.009
have all the right words i didn't have some rehearsed
00:30:01.009 --> 00:30:06.839
prayer but i had this deep sense That she wasn't
00:30:06.839 --> 00:30:13.720
alone. That God was in the room. That she was
00:30:13.720 --> 00:30:21.119
being received. Not just gone. I think that did
00:30:21.119 --> 00:30:24.160
something to my unbelief. It didn't instantly
00:30:24.160 --> 00:30:27.099
turn me into a believer. But it did put a crack
00:30:27.099 --> 00:30:32.900
in the wall that I'd built. And then the twins.
00:30:33.380 --> 00:30:37.210
On the complete opposite side. The twins being
00:30:37.210 --> 00:30:40.470
born. When you hold your children for the first
00:30:40.470 --> 00:30:43.430
time, and I'm sure many of you guys listening
00:30:43.430 --> 00:30:49.390
to this know this, but sometimes we need a bit
00:30:49.390 --> 00:30:54.369
of a reminder. When you hold your children for
00:30:54.369 --> 00:30:56.769
the very first time, when you realize you're
00:30:56.769 --> 00:31:01.650
touching something you didn't create in your
00:31:01.650 --> 00:31:07.019
own strength, Yeah, there's biology, there's
00:31:07.019 --> 00:31:12.180
science. But as much as I denied it in the past,
00:31:12.240 --> 00:31:14.980
there is something profoundly spiritual about
00:31:14.980 --> 00:31:19.859
it. I remember looking at them thinking, if there
00:31:19.859 --> 00:31:23.640
is a God, he just handed me two reasons to take
00:31:23.640 --> 00:31:29.380
life seriously. They became walking, breathing
00:31:29.380 --> 00:31:33.380
reminders that life can't just be about numbing
00:31:33.380 --> 00:31:40.660
out. Or just surviving. They became daily loud
00:31:40.660 --> 00:31:48.140
examples of grace. They became daily loud examples
00:31:48.140 --> 00:31:56.240
of grace. Grace that I didn't earn. And honestly
00:31:56.240 --> 00:32:01.119
that I don't deserve. That's why it's called
00:32:01.119 --> 00:32:06.160
Redeemed and Rebuilt. Because I am not a finished
00:32:06.160 --> 00:32:10.640
product. I am a man in process, being redeemed,
00:32:10.680 --> 00:32:17.819
being rebuilt, one day at a time. There's a verse
00:32:17.819 --> 00:32:22.339
that kept circling in my head, even when I wasn't
00:32:22.339 --> 00:32:29.160
sure what I believed. Psalm 3418. The Lord is
00:32:29.160 --> 00:32:32.319
close to the brokenhearted and saves those who
00:32:32.319 --> 00:32:36.509
are crushed in spirit. At the time, I didn't
00:32:36.509 --> 00:32:41.009
feel close to God. I felt broken, crushed, tired,
00:32:41.230 --> 00:32:48.970
confused. But when I look back now, I can see
00:32:48.970 --> 00:32:56.250
he was close to me. In the hospital room, in
00:32:56.250 --> 00:32:59.529
the grief of losing my mother, and the joy and
00:32:59.529 --> 00:33:03.049
the terror of becoming a dad, and the quiet nights
00:33:03.049 --> 00:33:08.849
where I wondered, If anything mattered. I wasn't
00:33:08.849 --> 00:33:15.450
holding on to him. He was holding on to me. So
00:33:15.450 --> 00:33:17.829
before we land this first episode, I want to
00:33:17.829 --> 00:33:23.309
tell you what to expect going forward. This podcast
00:33:23.309 --> 00:33:25.990
is not just me ranting into a microphone once.
00:33:26.670 --> 00:33:29.690
This is a journey I'm committed to. And here's
00:33:29.690 --> 00:33:32.650
where you can look forward to. Mind -focused
00:33:32.650 --> 00:33:34.490
episodes. We're going to talk about the harsh
00:33:34.490 --> 00:33:38.029
inner voice, anxiety, overthinking, self -sabotage,
00:33:38.130 --> 00:33:42.329
mental health, and practical tools for renewing
00:33:42.329 --> 00:33:46.230
your mind. Body -focused episodes. We'll get
00:33:46.230 --> 00:33:48.750
into weight loss, discipline, gym anxiety, starting
00:33:48.750 --> 00:33:52.730
over at 30, 40, 50 plus. What weight loss surgery
00:33:52.730 --> 00:33:58.029
really is. What now the oncoming of semaglutides
00:33:58.029 --> 00:34:03.700
do. and what they aren't, and how to build a
00:34:03.700 --> 00:34:06.559
body that can actually carry the life you want.
00:34:09.219 --> 00:34:12.679
We'll have spirit -focused episodes. We'll wrestle
00:34:12.679 --> 00:34:15.519
with doubt, talk about atheism, and coming back
00:34:15.519 --> 00:34:18.659
to faith, unpack scripture in a way that makes
00:34:18.659 --> 00:34:21.739
sense for guys like us, and talk about what it
00:34:21.739 --> 00:34:24.420
means to follow Jesus when you're not the perfect
00:34:24.420 --> 00:34:29.340
Christian. Some episodes will just be me, like
00:34:29.340 --> 00:34:36.039
this one. raw, honest, journal style. In the
00:34:36.039 --> 00:34:38.559
future, I'd love to bring on other men who are
00:34:38.559 --> 00:34:40.719
in the middle of rebuilding to not just success
00:34:40.719 --> 00:34:46.599
stories, but in progress stories. I'd like to
00:34:46.599 --> 00:34:52.179
talk to pastors, mental health people, trainers,
00:34:52.340 --> 00:34:58.119
nutritionists, all local, not these famous people.
00:35:00.319 --> 00:35:02.980
But people that you and your community are going
00:35:02.980 --> 00:35:06.179
to reach out to. We're not going to talk to Joel
00:35:06.179 --> 00:35:14.340
Osteen or Peter Attia or Jordan Peterson. I want
00:35:14.340 --> 00:35:20.059
to keep it local. We'll also build in space for
00:35:20.059 --> 00:35:25.079
your questions and tools. I want to hear from
00:35:25.079 --> 00:35:30.179
you. I want this to be interactive. Have an eye
00:35:30.179 --> 00:35:32.679
out, folks. The website is going to go live at
00:35:32.679 --> 00:35:36.300
some point in the near future. There, you'll
00:35:36.300 --> 00:35:39.880
be able to sign up for the newsletter. You'll
00:35:39.880 --> 00:35:42.579
be able to provide comments, feedback, voice
00:35:42.579 --> 00:35:45.179
messages. I want to hear it all. I want to hear
00:35:45.179 --> 00:35:48.400
what you're going through, what's working for
00:35:48.400 --> 00:35:52.599
you, what isn't working for you. And then eventually,
00:35:52.639 --> 00:35:55.179
I want to share these stories at your guys' permission.
00:35:58.860 --> 00:36:01.719
Like I said, I want to hear from you. What you're
00:36:01.719 --> 00:36:06.860
struggling with. What's working for you. Excuse
00:36:06.860 --> 00:36:15.860
me. Where are you stuck? Over time... Over time,
00:36:15.980 --> 00:36:18.320
I want Redeem and Rebuild to feel less like a
00:36:18.320 --> 00:36:21.039
show that you listen to and more like a brotherhood
00:36:21.039 --> 00:36:26.300
that you're part of. Not a perfect one. Not a
00:36:26.300 --> 00:36:31.699
perfect one. A rebuilding one. And if you're
00:36:31.699 --> 00:36:33.820
a man listening to this and you're in that messy
00:36:33.820 --> 00:36:36.880
middle, not the before picture and not the polished
00:36:36.880 --> 00:36:40.300
after, I want to invite you to stick around.
00:36:40.920 --> 00:36:44.400
We are going to talk about mind, body, spirit,
00:36:44.519 --> 00:36:49.599
especially when it's awkward and especially when
00:36:49.599 --> 00:36:52.820
it's uncomfortable. And we're going to rebuild
00:36:52.820 --> 00:36:59.940
slowly, imperfectly, but together. If something
00:36:59.940 --> 00:37:02.980
in this episode resonated with you, please share
00:37:02.980 --> 00:37:05.199
it with another friend of yours. Another man
00:37:05.199 --> 00:37:08.539
you think needs to hear this. To hear that he
00:37:08.539 --> 00:37:14.000
has not gone too far to change. Follow the show.
00:37:14.139 --> 00:37:16.920
Leave a rating or a review if you're able to.
00:37:17.000 --> 00:37:19.440
Not just for algorithm, but because it helps
00:37:19.440 --> 00:37:25.159
this message reach more men. Men who are where
00:37:25.159 --> 00:37:29.199
you are and where I'm at. And if you want to
00:37:29.199 --> 00:37:31.960
reach out, tell me your story, or ask questions,
00:37:32.199 --> 00:37:35.139
we can tackle in the future episodes. Again,
00:37:35.380 --> 00:37:39.179
I would love to hear from you. You don't have
00:37:39.179 --> 00:37:44.420
to do this alone. Thank you for spending this
00:37:44.420 --> 00:37:50.860
first real day one with me. Remember, every man
00:37:50.860 --> 00:37:54.980
deserves redemption, and every man can be rebuilt.
00:37:57.739 --> 00:38:01.480
This is Redeemed and Rebuilt. I'll see you in
00:38:01.480 --> 00:38:03.780
the next episode. Take care, brothers.
00:00:00.000 --> 00:00:01.960
I didn't really have one dramatic movie moment
00:00:01.960 --> 00:00:08.880
where everything changed. No perfect rock bottom
00:00:08.880 --> 00:00:15.439
scene. No angel choir. No before and after montage
00:00:15.439 --> 00:00:21.379
like you see in the movies. For me, it was slower.
00:00:22.120 --> 00:00:30.789
It was quieter. Almost boring. It was years of
00:00:30.789 --> 00:00:33.909
just being uncomfortable in my own body, in my
00:00:33.909 --> 00:00:39.609
own mind. Years of avoiding mirrors, sucking
00:00:39.609 --> 00:00:43.090
in that stomach, pretending I wasn't in pain.
00:00:45.710 --> 00:00:49.509
It was walking past reflective windows and pretending
00:00:49.509 --> 00:00:52.170
I didn't see myself. Man, I would avoid looking
00:00:52.170 --> 00:00:56.829
at myself. It was learning how to grab the towel
00:00:56.829 --> 00:00:59.109
just right so I didn't have to look down in the
00:00:59.109 --> 00:01:05.269
shower. It was breathing heavy from tying my
00:01:05.269 --> 00:01:09.310
shoes and telling myself, it's just allergies.
00:01:09.370 --> 00:01:12.709
It's just a long day. I'm just getting older.
00:01:15.450 --> 00:01:20.430
And then, one day, in the most ordinary way,
00:01:21.049 --> 00:01:30.239
it hit me. If I don't do something, this is just
00:01:30.239 --> 00:01:38.299
going to be my life. Not a phase, not a temporary
00:01:38.299 --> 00:01:44.480
rough patch, my life. The body that hurt, the
00:01:44.480 --> 00:01:48.120
mind that bullied me, the faith that felt either
00:01:48.120 --> 00:01:54.959
distant or just completely gone. So here's what
00:01:54.959 --> 00:01:58.959
this podcast is. This podcast is me deciding
00:01:58.959 --> 00:02:05.120
that this will not be my life story. This is
00:02:05.120 --> 00:02:12.159
my real day one. My Genesis. Not the first time
00:02:12.159 --> 00:02:14.439
I tried a diet. Not the first time I said I'll
00:02:14.439 --> 00:02:18.539
start on a Monday. Not the first time I skimmed
00:02:18.539 --> 00:02:21.909
a Bible verse. This is the day I stop pretending
00:02:21.909 --> 00:02:29.370
I'm fine and start rebuilding. In public. If
00:02:29.370 --> 00:02:32.030
you're a man listening to this who feels late,
00:02:32.090 --> 00:02:36.990
behind, broken, or just tired of your own excuses,
00:02:37.330 --> 00:02:43.669
I want you to hear this. You are not stuck with
00:02:43.669 --> 00:02:47.810
the current version of you. You are not locked.
00:02:48.270 --> 00:02:50.990
into the worst thing you've ever done you're
00:02:50.990 --> 00:02:59.090
not beyond being rebuilt welcome to redeemed
00:02:59.090 --> 00:03:05.629
and rebuilt let's start from the beginning welcome
00:03:05.629 --> 00:03:13.449
again i'm not a coach i'm not a philosopher i'm
00:03:13.449 --> 00:03:16.349
definitely not a fitness model or some perfect
00:03:17.050 --> 00:03:22.629
Christian influencer. Far from it. I am just
00:03:22.629 --> 00:03:27.830
a man trying to do better. I'm a husband. I'm
00:03:27.830 --> 00:03:32.250
a dad. I'm a guy who has battled severe obesity,
00:03:32.430 --> 00:03:37.530
doubt, cancer, and shame, and still wants to
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become the man that God wants me to be. This
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podcast is my open journal. I'm not recording
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this from the finish line. I'm recording it right
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in the middle of the mess. And if you're in that
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same mess, in that same messy middle, then this
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is for you. All right. It's time to just lay
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it out. Who did I have this in mind? Or who did
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I have in mind when I decided to hit record on
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this thing? This is for the men. Who feel left
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behind. Guys who look around and think. Everyone
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my age is further ahead than me. They're fitter.
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They're more successful. More disciplined. More
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whatever. It's for the men who feel late in life.
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Like maybe they missed the window. To get healthy.
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To get right with God. To repair broken relationships.
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Maybe to become who they always thought they
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wanted to be. It's for the guys who didn't grow
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up super churchy. Maybe you went to church as
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a kid. Maybe you didn't. Maybe you had a full
00:04:57.810 --> 00:05:04.870
-on atheist era like I did. I know I was brought
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up in a Catholic church. I remember having to
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be drugged to church every Sunday morning with
00:05:10.529 --> 00:05:18.100
my mom or my dad, my aunts. And I remember thinking,
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what a bunch of hypocrites, what a bunch of nonsense.
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You hear the stories and the gossiping that goes
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on in and out of the church pews. That's all
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I chose to see. Maybe you watched the debates.
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You watched the Hitchens clips at 2 a .m. You
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thought, yeah, this guy makes sense. Logic felt
00:05:44.879 --> 00:05:49.839
safer. and surrender you didn't really see a
00:05:49.839 --> 00:05:51.639
lot of those christians you wanted to be like
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i said you saw hypocrisy you said judgment you
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saw people talk about grace but throw stones
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in the group chats so you checked out maybe the
00:06:05.879 --> 00:06:10.540
surrealness of it maybe the fantasy how could
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that all this be real how could someone come
00:06:12.819 --> 00:06:16.439
back from the dead how could someone You know,
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do all these things. These miracles turn water
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into wine. Of course they could do it back then.
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They were illiterate, virtually coming out of
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the caves. It's for the men who lost the weight
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and still don't like what they see. You did the
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diet. Maybe you're like me. You did the surgery.
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You dropped the pounds. Everyone around you said,
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God look amazing. Oh my god. No fantastic. Do
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you look But inside You asked yourself why don't
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I feel fixed Why do I still hate what I see Why
00:07:01.259 --> 00:07:04.600
am I still carrying the shame which felt as heavy
00:07:04.600 --> 00:07:11.790
as the weight I carried prior This podcast It's
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for dads, for husbands, for sons, for brothers
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who are trying to lead their families. Trying
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to lead their families while still rebuilding
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themselves and dealing with the guilt that comes
00:07:25.750 --> 00:07:29.930
with that. How can you be everything for everyone
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all the time when you're not everything for yourself
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anytime? You have your kids watching you. You've
00:07:41.810 --> 00:07:44.089
got a partner depending on you. You feel this
00:07:44.089 --> 00:07:47.709
pressure to be the rock. And some days you feel
00:07:47.709 --> 00:07:52.829
more like quicksand. Here's the key part of all
00:07:52.829 --> 00:07:57.089
this. I wanted to record this in real time. Not
00:07:57.089 --> 00:07:59.889
after I made it and I don't know if I'm going
00:07:59.889 --> 00:08:05.829
to make it. Maybe I'll make it so far. And that's
00:08:05.829 --> 00:08:11.560
okay. Maybe that's what progress is. I didn't
00:08:11.560 --> 00:08:15.879
want to come to you 10 years from now with some
00:08:15.879 --> 00:08:20.839
memoir or some self -help book that you pick
00:08:20.839 --> 00:08:23.399
up off the shelves and you read it and it just
00:08:23.399 --> 00:08:27.180
tells you to do these things. Just do this and
00:08:27.180 --> 00:08:31.100
all this will happen. But they gloss over 10,
00:08:31.339 --> 00:08:35.879
15, 20 years of struggle. And then when you start
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applying what they want you to apply, the struggle
00:08:38.299 --> 00:08:46.080
starts. What happens? We abandon it. We quit.
00:08:47.659 --> 00:08:50.840
And we say, yeah, it's easy. Hindsight's 20 -20.
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I wanted to start here. While I'm still figuring
00:08:59.139 --> 00:09:02.899
this out. Still messing up. Still learning how
00:09:02.899 --> 00:09:05.720
to follow Jesus, as awkward as it can be. Still
00:09:05.720 --> 00:09:08.779
rebuilding my body with all the information that
00:09:08.779 --> 00:09:10.820
just inundates you about what's the right thing
00:09:10.820 --> 00:09:12.860
to do, what's the right thing to eat, what's
00:09:12.860 --> 00:09:17.500
the right workout, what's the right supplements.
00:09:20.480 --> 00:09:25.799
While I'm still rewiring my mind. One thing I
00:09:25.799 --> 00:09:27.779
know is if you're in the middle, you're not late.
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You're just... where your story changes direction
00:09:31.980 --> 00:09:37.039
people love to ask so what was that moment that
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changed everything i get why we like that one
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clean story that this happened to me and boom
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i'm reborn i didn't have one i always envied
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better i watched people who were ahead of me
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fitter more put together, more disciplined, and
00:10:02.929 --> 00:10:05.690
something in me burned. I wanted to be that person.
00:10:06.490 --> 00:10:10.769
I always wanted more. I always want more. But
00:10:10.769 --> 00:10:15.190
I was too lazy, too ashamed, too scarred to start.
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It wasn't a moment. It was a buildup. A thousand
00:10:23.769 --> 00:10:28.179
tiny choices that kept me stuck. A thousand little
00:10:28.179 --> 00:10:31.139
lies I told myself. A thousand I'll start on
00:10:31.139 --> 00:10:36.639
Mondays. Until one day, the pain of staying the
00:10:36.639 --> 00:10:40.799
same finally got heavier than the pain of changing.
00:10:43.399 --> 00:10:45.639
I think that's when everything quietly started
00:10:45.639 --> 00:10:53.179
to shift. Not in fireworks, in a decision. The
00:10:53.179 --> 00:10:56.860
decision of... I just cannot keep living like
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this. Let's talk about the physical side. Because
00:11:03.039 --> 00:11:04.879
for a long time, that was the loudest part of
00:11:04.879 --> 00:11:07.259
my story. It was the most obvious part of my
00:11:07.259 --> 00:11:12.539
story. You could see it. Not only could you see
00:11:12.539 --> 00:11:17.100
it, you could see the reaction to it. Boy, when
00:11:17.100 --> 00:11:19.840
you're 500 pounds, you really get to see those
00:11:19.840 --> 00:11:24.470
eyes shift. Or the people fighting to not look.
00:11:25.070 --> 00:11:27.730
When your clothes don't fit, your pants don't
00:11:27.730 --> 00:11:30.529
stay up. Mine still don't stay up sometimes.
00:11:33.649 --> 00:11:37.610
When you're 500 pounds, that is a level of obesity
00:11:37.610 --> 00:11:42.429
that most people will never understand. It's
00:11:42.429 --> 00:11:44.769
not just, oh, I'm a bit chubby or I'm a bit out
00:11:44.769 --> 00:11:51.149
of shape. Man, I got to do a bit more. When you're
00:11:51.149 --> 00:11:54.070
500 pounds, I'm telling you, it's stuff like
00:11:54.070 --> 00:11:59.309
not being able to clean yourself properly and
00:11:59.309 --> 00:12:02.769
the shame that comes with that. It's needing
00:12:02.769 --> 00:12:05.250
the extra time in the bathroom because your body
00:12:05.250 --> 00:12:09.690
doesn't move the way it should. And you build
00:12:09.690 --> 00:12:14.110
your whole life around hiding facts like that.
00:12:15.350 --> 00:12:22.820
I would wait to come home if I was at work. To
00:12:22.820 --> 00:12:29.080
use the washroom. Sometimes I'd. Wait till the
00:12:29.080 --> 00:12:34.500
end of the day. If I wasn't home. It's avoiding
00:12:34.500 --> 00:12:38.419
the mirrors. Or only looking from. The neck up.
00:12:39.480 --> 00:12:42.320
It's strategically choosing clothes. That would
00:12:42.320 --> 00:12:47.879
help you disappear. Dark. Baggy everything. It's
00:12:47.879 --> 00:12:51.559
walking into a room and calculating. I know this
00:12:51.559 --> 00:12:55.500
for a fact. Will this chair hold me? If I sit
00:12:55.500 --> 00:13:00.899
on that stool, is it going to creak? I remember
00:13:00.899 --> 00:13:07.580
one time I brought my wife to get her nails done
00:13:07.580 --> 00:13:09.519
and I decided just to sit and have a coffee and
00:13:09.519 --> 00:13:12.139
wait for her. I sat on the couch at the entrance.
00:13:14.720 --> 00:13:19.899
I sat right through the couch. Must have been
00:13:19.899 --> 00:13:22.320
11 o 'clock in the morning, packed nail salon.
00:13:22.759 --> 00:13:29.580
I literally broke the couch to the ground. I
00:13:29.580 --> 00:13:32.860
became a yes man. Not just because I was so easy
00:13:32.860 --> 00:13:36.559
going, but because I hated confrontation. I hated
00:13:36.559 --> 00:13:41.500
the attention. When you're 500 pounds, your body
00:13:41.500 --> 00:13:44.720
feels like a spotlight. So I use my personality
00:13:44.720 --> 00:13:50.860
as the shield. I tried to be funny, likable,
00:13:51.019 --> 00:13:53.299
helpful, anything that would make people see
00:13:53.299 --> 00:13:56.080
something other than the fact that I was 500
00:13:56.080 --> 00:14:02.860
pounds. But inside, inside I existed in a state
00:14:02.860 --> 00:14:07.080
of constant unhappiness. Not every moment, but
00:14:07.080 --> 00:14:09.659
there was a heaviness in the air around me that
00:14:09.659 --> 00:14:14.299
I carried everywhere I went. Breathing was heavy.
00:14:14.500 --> 00:14:20.389
Sleeping was harder. Walking up the stairs, That
00:14:20.389 --> 00:14:24.149
was an event. Every time I'd try something, a
00:14:24.149 --> 00:14:29.830
diet, a challenge, a new start, I'd go hard for
00:14:29.830 --> 00:14:36.710
a bit, and then I'd crash again. Each failure
00:14:36.710 --> 00:14:40.009
added another layer of shame, another brick in
00:14:40.009 --> 00:14:46.789
the wall between me and the life I wanted. Eventually,
00:14:46.830 --> 00:14:52.879
I'd hit an emergency. It wasn't the theoretical
00:14:52.879 --> 00:14:55.960
anymore. It was the medical. It was, if you keep
00:14:55.960 --> 00:14:58.860
going like this, your body is going to cash out.
00:15:00.820 --> 00:15:03.580
And I tried everything. Like I said, every plan,
00:15:03.740 --> 00:15:10.440
every shortcut, every hack, nothing stuck. So
00:15:10.440 --> 00:15:13.259
I chose weight loss surgery. And I want to say
00:15:13.259 --> 00:15:21.480
this clearly. It was one, if not the, Best decisions
00:15:21.480 --> 00:15:25.559
of my life. I'm grateful I did it. I'm grateful
00:15:25.559 --> 00:15:31.340
it exists. But I'm also going to say this just
00:15:31.340 --> 00:15:39.440
as clearly. It was only a tool. Surgery fixed
00:15:39.440 --> 00:15:44.299
my stomach. It didn't fix my mind. It did not
00:15:44.299 --> 00:15:50.429
fix my spirit. The tool changed. what I could
00:15:50.429 --> 00:15:53.450
eat. It didn't change how I saw myself. It didn't
00:15:53.450 --> 00:15:55.710
erase decades of shame. It didn't answer the
00:15:55.710 --> 00:15:58.809
deeper questions of who am I? Who am I really?
00:15:59.690 --> 00:16:04.909
And what am I here for? That's what this podcast
00:16:04.909 --> 00:16:09.529
is for. This is going to be the space where we
00:16:09.529 --> 00:16:12.889
work on the parts the surgery couldn't touch.
00:16:15.789 --> 00:16:20.470
Let's talk about faith for a bit. Because my
00:16:20.470 --> 00:16:23.710
journey here wasn't, I grew up in church, believed
00:16:23.710 --> 00:16:28.809
everything, never questioned a thing. There was
00:16:28.809 --> 00:16:33.950
a long stretch where I was deep into that atheist
00:16:33.950 --> 00:16:37.529
era. I came up in the heyday of it. The prime
00:16:37.529 --> 00:16:42.669
time of guys out there essentially preaching
00:16:42.669 --> 00:16:49.960
against preaching. I'd be up at 2 a .m. watching
00:16:49.960 --> 00:16:52.279
christopher hitchens and richard dawkins with
00:16:52.279 --> 00:16:57.299
their incredible eloquence if there is anybody
00:16:57.299 --> 00:17:03.120
who could speak and debate in a way that could
00:17:03.120 --> 00:17:08.180
move a mountain it was the late christopher hitchens
00:17:08.180 --> 00:17:13.980
and we have a 2am watching hitch watching richard
00:17:13.980 --> 00:17:17.140
dawkins all the secular thinkers dismantling
00:17:17.140 --> 00:17:21.039
religion and honestly If I'm being honest, they
00:17:21.039 --> 00:17:25.700
are and they were compelling. Logic felt safer
00:17:25.700 --> 00:17:30.059
than surrender. Arguments felt safer than trust.
00:17:31.140 --> 00:17:36.500
And to be honest, they are. And we'll get into
00:17:36.500 --> 00:17:40.759
this throughout these episodes. It is easier
00:17:40.759 --> 00:17:46.279
when you think about it than surrender. Arguing.
00:17:46.910 --> 00:17:49.529
for the sake of arguing, is easier than just
00:17:49.529 --> 00:17:55.109
letting go and trusting. That's the part about
00:17:55.109 --> 00:18:00.069
learning about finding faith again. Plus, I saw
00:18:00.069 --> 00:18:03.009
plenty of Christian hypocrisy that made me think,
00:18:03.109 --> 00:18:06.990
if that's what following God looks like, I'm
00:18:06.990 --> 00:18:12.049
good. So I built this identity of this guy who
00:18:12.049 --> 00:18:15.789
saw through it. I was proud of not needing God.
00:18:18.670 --> 00:18:24.250
But then life happened. Cancer entered the chat.
00:18:26.950 --> 00:18:29.369
When you're sitting in that chair getting treatment,
00:18:29.470 --> 00:18:33.289
facing your own fragility, your own mortality,
00:18:33.529 --> 00:18:37.750
you're the tough guy. I've got it all figured
00:18:37.750 --> 00:18:44.369
out. Act. It starts to crack. Suddenly those
00:18:44.369 --> 00:18:46.269
big questions just aren't intellectual anymore.
00:18:48.430 --> 00:18:54.150
They're personal. You start wondering, if there
00:18:54.150 --> 00:18:59.630
is a God, where is he in this? Two battles of
00:18:59.630 --> 00:19:02.049
cancer. The second battle, I remember waking
00:19:02.049 --> 00:19:08.450
up from surgery for a feeding tube. I didn't
00:19:08.450 --> 00:19:12.170
just wake up normal. I woke up strapped to the
00:19:12.170 --> 00:19:17.809
bed with a breathing tube still in. My throat.
00:19:18.250 --> 00:19:20.609
They couldn't remove it because of the damage
00:19:20.609 --> 00:19:22.430
and the inflammation that was caused from the
00:19:22.430 --> 00:19:29.589
radiation treatment. Folks, guys, little side
00:19:29.589 --> 00:19:33.869
note, preventable throat cancer has risen by
00:19:33.869 --> 00:19:42.309
as much as 78 % in men. And I'm going to tell
00:19:42.309 --> 00:19:45.230
you that if you do your research and you look
00:19:45.230 --> 00:19:47.460
into it, The radiation treatment for head and
00:19:47.460 --> 00:19:52.299
neck cancer is the worst. I went weeks without
00:19:52.299 --> 00:19:56.619
eating, months without any eating or drinking.
00:19:58.619 --> 00:20:01.079
I was hooked up to a feeding tube that had to
00:20:01.079 --> 00:20:06.140
be on constantly. I woke up from that surgery
00:20:06.140 --> 00:20:11.019
and I look over. And who was there? My mother.
00:20:12.759 --> 00:20:18.630
This woman couldn't walk. Existed in an amount
00:20:18.630 --> 00:20:23.049
of pain Later on we realized why she was in so
00:20:23.049 --> 00:20:30.930
much pain She was there And that's when another
00:20:30.930 --> 00:20:38.349
earthquake came I've lost I had lost my mother
00:20:38.349 --> 00:20:44.990
And I was there witnessing when she passed and
00:20:44.990 --> 00:20:47.039
that's the kind of really the kind of moment
00:20:47.039 --> 00:20:50.880
you can't rehearse you're watching someone you
00:20:50.880 --> 00:20:55.180
love leave this world everything in you is crying
00:20:55.180 --> 00:21:04.019
in that moment through the grief there was this
00:21:04.019 --> 00:21:08.720
strange sense of peace it didn't feel like she
00:21:08.720 --> 00:21:14.880
was just blinked out of existence it felt honestly
00:21:17.710 --> 00:21:22.829
It felt like she was guided home. I couldn't
00:21:22.829 --> 00:21:31.589
fit that old, neat little anti -God. I couldn't
00:21:31.589 --> 00:21:36.930
fit that into it. Scratch. I couldn't fit that
00:21:36.930 --> 00:21:39.109
into my old, neat little anti -God arguments.
00:21:42.029 --> 00:21:46.150
And then the opposite side of the spectrum. Before
00:21:46.150 --> 00:21:50.750
all of this, And before I touch on this, I just
00:21:50.750 --> 00:21:56.170
want to say, losing the weight opened so many
00:21:56.170 --> 00:21:58.730
doors and opened me to things that I thought
00:21:58.730 --> 00:22:03.450
I would never have. One, I would have never caught
00:22:03.450 --> 00:22:05.390
the cancer because I probably wouldn't have felt
00:22:05.390 --> 00:22:09.089
the lump in my neck before it was too late. It
00:22:09.089 --> 00:22:14.170
would have been under maybe an inch of fat. The
00:22:14.170 --> 00:22:19.839
other was I ended up... Through many life decisions,
00:22:20.099 --> 00:22:25.819
many changes in life. We'll get into that. I
00:22:25.819 --> 00:22:28.619
was having the opportunity to have my girls.
00:22:31.440 --> 00:22:36.720
So in between cancer one and cancer two. Came
00:22:36.720 --> 00:22:43.900
the girls. Holding my daughters. All three pounds
00:22:43.900 --> 00:22:48.579
of them. Seeing their faces. Feeling the. Tiny
00:22:48.579 --> 00:22:52.059
weight of them in my hands for the first time.
00:22:54.619 --> 00:23:00.180
It was like grace had a body. I remember thinking,
00:23:00.299 --> 00:23:07.119
there's no way that this is all random. Something
00:23:07.119 --> 00:23:11.400
in me softened. Something in me woke up. Through
00:23:11.400 --> 00:23:14.819
all of these things, I started to sense a whisper.
00:23:16.109 --> 00:23:19.109
You can keep arguing with me if you want, but
00:23:19.109 --> 00:23:23.930
I've been here the whole time. That's what led
00:23:23.930 --> 00:23:29.369
me here. And this podcast is me learning how
00:23:29.369 --> 00:23:34.450
to believe again out loud. Not perfectly, not
00:23:34.450 --> 00:23:37.650
with any or all of the answers, but honestly.
00:23:40.410 --> 00:23:42.730
To make sense of this journey, I'm going to frame
00:23:42.730 --> 00:23:45.069
it through what I'm going to call the three pillars.
00:23:47.369 --> 00:23:52.250
Pillar one, mind. Because if the inner voice
00:23:52.250 --> 00:23:55.410
is toxic, if the story you tell yourself is always
00:23:55.410 --> 00:24:03.369
your, not enough, nothing else will work. Body.
00:24:04.710 --> 00:24:07.730
Because our physical health affects our confidence,
00:24:07.970 --> 00:24:14.849
our energy, our mood, our ability to show up
00:24:14.849 --> 00:24:19.890
for the people we love. And finally, spirit.
00:24:20.470 --> 00:24:24.069
Because I tried doing life without God and eventually
00:24:24.069 --> 00:24:30.569
I've run out of answers. Every episode on this
00:24:30.569 --> 00:24:34.109
podcast is going to touch on one or more of these
00:24:34.109 --> 00:24:37.869
pillars. Some weeks we'll dig into the mind,
00:24:37.990 --> 00:24:43.349
overthinking, shame, mental health. Another,
00:24:43.529 --> 00:24:46.470
we'll talk about the body. Weight loss, discipline,
00:24:46.710 --> 00:24:49.630
the realities of starting from behind. We'll
00:24:49.630 --> 00:24:55.269
talk about body dysmorphia in men. And the struggle
00:24:55.269 --> 00:24:58.109
of when you get to what you think is where you
00:24:58.109 --> 00:25:04.150
want it to be, what happens after that. We're
00:25:04.150 --> 00:25:06.569
going to talk about that challenge that they
00:25:06.569 --> 00:25:11.710
don't tell you about. Another week, maybe we'll
00:25:11.710 --> 00:25:15.200
talk about the spirit, faith, doubt. Prayer.
00:25:15.299 --> 00:25:19.099
How to pray. Scripture. All the awkward, beautiful
00:25:19.099 --> 00:25:22.500
tension of learning how to walk with God. We
00:25:22.500 --> 00:25:28.839
will learn the difference, folks, of what it
00:25:28.839 --> 00:25:31.900
means to be Christian and what it means to be
00:25:31.900 --> 00:25:36.140
Christ -like. And there's something about that
00:25:36.140 --> 00:25:43.880
I think there's a huge difference. That's the
00:25:43.880 --> 00:25:46.599
framework. That's how we're going to rebuild.
00:25:49.500 --> 00:25:56.160
So in this first episode, I just wanted to tell
00:25:56.160 --> 00:26:00.839
you how I got here. The broken parts. The pride.
00:26:02.140 --> 00:26:11.619
The shame. The cancer. The surgery. The atheism.
00:26:14.250 --> 00:26:19.069
And the moment, folks, the moment I finally said,
00:26:19.230 --> 00:26:27.329
God, if you're real, I'm listening. This is the
00:26:27.329 --> 00:26:33.269
origin story of Redeemed and Rebuilt. Let's zoom
00:26:33.269 --> 00:26:38.710
in a bit on a few key chapters of my life. Cancer.
00:26:41.039 --> 00:26:42.500
I'm telling you, when I heard the word cancer,
00:26:42.619 --> 00:26:44.640
it was like the air got sucked out of the room.
00:26:44.759 --> 00:26:49.200
I can remember sitting there. This was right
00:26:49.200 --> 00:26:51.920
in the middle of COVID. In the middle of the
00:26:51.920 --> 00:26:55.599
start of COVID, it was a disaster. I had just
00:26:55.599 --> 00:27:02.279
met my wife. She wasn't my wife. I think we were
00:27:02.279 --> 00:27:07.960
together for a month. I had gone for all the
00:27:07.960 --> 00:27:09.839
routine testing and... When you go for these
00:27:09.839 --> 00:27:11.759
testing, they all do their best to try to tell
00:27:11.759 --> 00:27:15.400
you, hey, don't worry about it. I'm sure it's
00:27:15.400 --> 00:27:20.519
nothing. 99 % of the time, it's nothing. But
00:27:20.519 --> 00:27:26.160
was it nothing? And as impatient as I am, I got
00:27:26.160 --> 00:27:32.180
the results on my phone. Couldn't really make
00:27:32.180 --> 00:27:35.380
sense of them. Didn't really know much about
00:27:35.380 --> 00:27:37.700
ChatGPT to just plop them in there and have it
00:27:37.700 --> 00:27:40.819
read it. So I called the doctor and they called
00:27:40.819 --> 00:27:48.180
me back. Sure enough, it was cancer, throat cancer.
00:27:50.980 --> 00:27:56.460
I just collapsed. And I remember the first thing
00:27:56.460 --> 00:28:02.960
telling my wife after being a month together
00:28:02.960 --> 00:28:10.299
was, nobody signs up for this. If you want out,
00:28:10.339 --> 00:28:16.960
I'll understand. Brothers, she's still here.
00:28:18.099 --> 00:28:21.480
Up until then, my body had been this ongoing
00:28:21.480 --> 00:28:27.200
frustration. But that day, that moment, it became
00:28:27.200 --> 00:28:31.920
a full -blown threat. And there's something about
00:28:31.920 --> 00:28:35.700
facing your mortality, especially for the first
00:28:35.700 --> 00:28:38.769
time, that strips away. The comfortable lies.
00:28:38.950 --> 00:28:43.809
The things like, I'll get to it later. I have
00:28:43.809 --> 00:28:50.049
time. I'll change when life slows down. I'll
00:28:50.049 --> 00:28:56.009
change when life slows down. Suddenly later isn't
00:28:56.009 --> 00:29:00.130
guaranteed. And in the middle of treatment, I
00:29:00.130 --> 00:29:03.829
remember feeling this weird mix of fear and clarity.
00:29:05.569 --> 00:29:09.839
The sense that, Life was more fragile than I'd
00:29:09.839 --> 00:29:16.359
admitted, but also more meaningful than I allowed.
00:29:19.140 --> 00:29:23.880
The whisper of God for me started getting louder
00:29:23.880 --> 00:29:27.279
in those chairs through the fatigue, through
00:29:27.279 --> 00:29:32.940
the uncertainty, through the pain. Being present
00:29:32.940 --> 00:29:36.049
when my mom passed was one of the hardest. i
00:29:36.049 --> 00:29:37.730
have to say maybe one of the holiest moments
00:29:37.730 --> 00:29:42.250
of my life you're watching someone who gave you
00:29:42.250 --> 00:29:50.029
life take their last breath time feels different
00:29:50.029 --> 00:29:57.809
the room feels different in that moment i didn't
00:29:57.809 --> 00:30:01.009
have all the right words i didn't have some rehearsed
00:30:01.009 --> 00:30:06.839
prayer but i had this deep sense That she wasn't
00:30:06.839 --> 00:30:13.720
alone. That God was in the room. That she was
00:30:13.720 --> 00:30:21.119
being received. Not just gone. I think that did
00:30:21.119 --> 00:30:24.160
something to my unbelief. It didn't instantly
00:30:24.160 --> 00:30:27.099
turn me into a believer. But it did put a crack
00:30:27.099 --> 00:30:32.900
in the wall that I'd built. And then the twins.
00:30:33.380 --> 00:30:37.210
On the complete opposite side. The twins being
00:30:37.210 --> 00:30:40.470
born. When you hold your children for the first
00:30:40.470 --> 00:30:43.430
time, and I'm sure many of you guys listening
00:30:43.430 --> 00:30:49.390
to this know this, but sometimes we need a bit
00:30:49.390 --> 00:30:54.369
of a reminder. When you hold your children for
00:30:54.369 --> 00:30:56.769
the very first time, when you realize you're
00:30:56.769 --> 00:31:01.650
touching something you didn't create in your
00:31:01.650 --> 00:31:07.019
own strength, Yeah, there's biology, there's
00:31:07.019 --> 00:31:12.180
science. But as much as I denied it in the past,
00:31:12.240 --> 00:31:14.980
there is something profoundly spiritual about
00:31:14.980 --> 00:31:19.859
it. I remember looking at them thinking, if there
00:31:19.859 --> 00:31:23.640
is a God, he just handed me two reasons to take
00:31:23.640 --> 00:31:29.380
life seriously. They became walking, breathing
00:31:29.380 --> 00:31:33.380
reminders that life can't just be about numbing
00:31:33.380 --> 00:31:40.660
out. Or just surviving. They became daily loud
00:31:40.660 --> 00:31:48.140
examples of grace. They became daily loud examples
00:31:48.140 --> 00:31:56.240
of grace. Grace that I didn't earn. And honestly
00:31:56.240 --> 00:32:01.119
that I don't deserve. That's why it's called
00:32:01.119 --> 00:32:06.160
Redeemed and Rebuilt. Because I am not a finished
00:32:06.160 --> 00:32:10.640
product. I am a man in process, being redeemed,
00:32:10.680 --> 00:32:17.819
being rebuilt, one day at a time. There's a verse
00:32:17.819 --> 00:32:22.339
that kept circling in my head, even when I wasn't
00:32:22.339 --> 00:32:29.160
sure what I believed. Psalm 3418. The Lord is
00:32:29.160 --> 00:32:32.319
close to the brokenhearted and saves those who
00:32:32.319 --> 00:32:36.509
are crushed in spirit. At the time, I didn't
00:32:36.509 --> 00:32:41.009
feel close to God. I felt broken, crushed, tired,
00:32:41.230 --> 00:32:48.970
confused. But when I look back now, I can see
00:32:48.970 --> 00:32:56.250
he was close to me. In the hospital room, in
00:32:56.250 --> 00:32:59.529
the grief of losing my mother, and the joy and
00:32:59.529 --> 00:33:03.049
the terror of becoming a dad, and the quiet nights
00:33:03.049 --> 00:33:08.849
where I wondered, If anything mattered. I wasn't
00:33:08.849 --> 00:33:15.450
holding on to him. He was holding on to me. So
00:33:15.450 --> 00:33:17.829
before we land this first episode, I want to
00:33:17.829 --> 00:33:23.309
tell you what to expect going forward. This podcast
00:33:23.309 --> 00:33:25.990
is not just me ranting into a microphone once.
00:33:26.670 --> 00:33:29.690
This is a journey I'm committed to. And here's
00:33:29.690 --> 00:33:32.650
where you can look forward to. Mind -focused
00:33:32.650 --> 00:33:34.490
episodes. We're going to talk about the harsh
00:33:34.490 --> 00:33:38.029
inner voice, anxiety, overthinking, self -sabotage,
00:33:38.130 --> 00:33:42.329
mental health, and practical tools for renewing
00:33:42.329 --> 00:33:46.230
your mind. Body -focused episodes. We'll get
00:33:46.230 --> 00:33:48.750
into weight loss, discipline, gym anxiety, starting
00:33:48.750 --> 00:33:52.730
over at 30, 40, 50 plus. What weight loss surgery
00:33:52.730 --> 00:33:58.029
really is. What now the oncoming of semaglutides
00:33:58.029 --> 00:34:03.700
do. and what they aren't, and how to build a
00:34:03.700 --> 00:34:06.559
body that can actually carry the life you want.
00:34:09.219 --> 00:34:12.679
We'll have spirit -focused episodes. We'll wrestle
00:34:12.679 --> 00:34:15.519
with doubt, talk about atheism, and coming back
00:34:15.519 --> 00:34:18.659
to faith, unpack scripture in a way that makes
00:34:18.659 --> 00:34:21.739
sense for guys like us, and talk about what it
00:34:21.739 --> 00:34:24.420
means to follow Jesus when you're not the perfect
00:34:24.420 --> 00:34:29.340
Christian. Some episodes will just be me, like
00:34:29.340 --> 00:34:36.039
this one. raw, honest, journal style. In the
00:34:36.039 --> 00:34:38.559
future, I'd love to bring on other men who are
00:34:38.559 --> 00:34:40.719
in the middle of rebuilding to not just success
00:34:40.719 --> 00:34:46.599
stories, but in progress stories. I'd like to
00:34:46.599 --> 00:34:52.179
talk to pastors, mental health people, trainers,
00:34:52.340 --> 00:34:58.119
nutritionists, all local, not these famous people.
00:35:00.319 --> 00:35:02.980
But people that you and your community are going
00:35:02.980 --> 00:35:06.179
to reach out to. We're not going to talk to Joel
00:35:06.179 --> 00:35:14.340
Osteen or Peter Attia or Jordan Peterson. I want
00:35:14.340 --> 00:35:20.059
to keep it local. We'll also build in space for
00:35:20.059 --> 00:35:25.079
your questions and tools. I want to hear from
00:35:25.079 --> 00:35:30.179
you. I want this to be interactive. Have an eye
00:35:30.179 --> 00:35:32.679
out, folks. The website is going to go live at
00:35:32.679 --> 00:35:36.300
some point in the near future. There, you'll
00:35:36.300 --> 00:35:39.880
be able to sign up for the newsletter. You'll
00:35:39.880 --> 00:35:42.579
be able to provide comments, feedback, voice
00:35:42.579 --> 00:35:45.179
messages. I want to hear it all. I want to hear
00:35:45.179 --> 00:35:48.400
what you're going through, what's working for
00:35:48.400 --> 00:35:52.599
you, what isn't working for you. And then eventually,
00:35:52.639 --> 00:35:55.179
I want to share these stories at your guys' permission.
00:35:58.860 --> 00:36:01.719
Like I said, I want to hear from you. What you're
00:36:01.719 --> 00:36:06.860
struggling with. What's working for you. Excuse
00:36:06.860 --> 00:36:15.860
me. Where are you stuck? Over time... Over time,
00:36:15.980 --> 00:36:18.320
I want Redeem and Rebuild to feel less like a
00:36:18.320 --> 00:36:21.039
show that you listen to and more like a brotherhood
00:36:21.039 --> 00:36:26.300
that you're part of. Not a perfect one. Not a
00:36:26.300 --> 00:36:31.699
perfect one. A rebuilding one. And if you're
00:36:31.699 --> 00:36:33.820
a man listening to this and you're in that messy
00:36:33.820 --> 00:36:36.880
middle, not the before picture and not the polished
00:36:36.880 --> 00:36:40.300
after, I want to invite you to stick around.
00:36:40.920 --> 00:36:44.400
We are going to talk about mind, body, spirit,
00:36:44.519 --> 00:36:49.599
especially when it's awkward and especially when
00:36:49.599 --> 00:36:52.820
it's uncomfortable. And we're going to rebuild
00:36:52.820 --> 00:36:59.940
slowly, imperfectly, but together. If something
00:36:59.940 --> 00:37:02.980
in this episode resonated with you, please share
00:37:02.980 --> 00:37:05.199
it with another friend of yours. Another man
00:37:05.199 --> 00:37:08.539
you think needs to hear this. To hear that he
00:37:08.539 --> 00:37:14.000
has not gone too far to change. Follow the show.
00:37:14.139 --> 00:37:16.920
Leave a rating or a review if you're able to.
00:37:17.000 --> 00:37:19.440
Not just for algorithm, but because it helps
00:37:19.440 --> 00:37:25.159
this message reach more men. Men who are where
00:37:25.159 --> 00:37:29.199
you are and where I'm at. And if you want to
00:37:29.199 --> 00:37:31.960
reach out, tell me your story, or ask questions,
00:37:32.199 --> 00:37:35.139
we can tackle in the future episodes. Again,
00:37:35.380 --> 00:37:39.179
I would love to hear from you. You don't have
00:37:39.179 --> 00:37:44.420
to do this alone. Thank you for spending this
00:37:44.420 --> 00:37:50.860
first real day one with me. Remember, every man
00:37:50.860 --> 00:37:54.980
deserves redemption, and every man can be rebuilt.
00:37:57.739 --> 00:38:01.480
This is Redeemed and Rebuilt. I'll see you in
00:38:01.480 --> 00:38:03.780
the next episode. Take care, brothers.