A Mans Silent War

The loudest fights I've ever been in were with myself. Some days my mind runs a thousand miles an hour, racing through worst case scenarios, replaying old conversations, rewriting things I should have said five years ago. Some days, the thoughts get dark. Really dark. The kind you don't say out loud because you're afraid of what people will think.

I don't have this figured out. Not even close. But I'm learning that if I can rebuild my mind, even a little bit, at a time, the rest of me has a chance. This is the one I'm still fighting, and maybe we can figure it out together. Welcome back to Redeemed and Rebuilt.

I'm your host, Nicholas Grace. And if you're new here, this podcast is me documenting the messy work of trying to become a better man. Not a perfect one. A real one. A real one who's still figuring this out.

Today, we're tackling the mind episode, pillar one. And I'm gonna be honest with you. This is the one I'm wrestling with right now. Body, I can drag myself to the gym. Spirit, I'm trying to pray, learning to trying to show up, But the mind, man.

And the mind is where I'm losing the battle most days because nobody sees it. Nobody hears it. It's just me and that voice in my head. And lately, that voice has been brutal. Nearly one in ten men experience depression or anxiety, but less than half actually receive treatment.

I'm one of those statistics, and maybe you are too. So today we're going deep. I'm talking about what I'm actually experiencing. The harsh inner voice, the overthinking, the intrusive thoughts, the self sabotage, and I'm searching out loud for what might help. Not because I have the answers, but because I need them.

So let's get into it. I wanna start off by being real with you about how my mind talks to me right now, today, When I don't get what I want, when I fail, when I mess up, when things don't go the way I planned, I don't just feel disappointed. I get vicious, vicious with myself. I go straight to, you're not good enough, or even worse, you were never good. Not just a, you failed at this thing or you've made a mistake.

No. It's you are the failure. You are the mistake. What does your inner voice sound like when you fail? Is it a coach, or is it a critic?

That voice right now is stopping me, stopping me from being ambitious, from starting things, from finishing things, from believing I'm capable of more than what I've already done. I've walked away from opportunities because that voice told me I wasn't ready. I'm sabotaging things right now because that voice is telling me I'm not worthy. I keep myself small because that voice has me convinced that playing it safe is the same thing as being smart. And here's what scares me.

I don't know if that voice is me. Is it the truth? Is it old programming? Old wounds? Old lies that got repeated so many times that they started to sound like facts.

Still trying to figure that out. And if you're listening to this and you recognize that voice in your own head, you're not crazy. You're not broken. You're just human. You're human, and you're definitely not alone.

Because every man I know, every single one, has a version of that voice. Let me talk about something I'm living through right now. This silent war that men fight. I carry this weight, this expectation, this pressure to have it all figured out, to be solid, to be the provider, the protector, the one who doesn't crack, to be everything for everyone all the time. And on the outside, I probably look fine.

I I go to work. I I pay the bills. I show up. But on the inside, man, it's chaos. It's been chaos for a while.

Here's a stat that hit me hard when I found it. Men die by suicide at a rate nearly four times higher than women. Four times. And here's what really got me. Only thirty five percent of men who died by suicide had sought care for a mental health professional in the year before.

That means sixty five percent of men who lost their lives were fighting this war completely alone, silent, just like I've been doing. Let's talk about guilt. I feel guilty all the time. Guilt for not doing enough, guilt for working too much, Guilt for not being present? Guilt for maybe being too present and not earning enough?

It's like I feel like I can't win. I play this losing game every single day. When's the last time you felt guilty for something you couldn't control? What are you carrying that isn't even yours to carry? Fear.

I'm scared. I'm scared of failure. Scared of not being man enough. Scared of showing vulnerability because I was taught or self taught that vulnerability equals weakness. And weakness, because that's the one thing I won't let myself be.

A shame. The shame is heavy. Shame from old mistakes. Shame from things I've done. Shame from things that were done to me.

Shame that I carry in silence because I think if I say it out loud, people will see me differently. Maybe they'll actually see me for as I really am. What would happen if if you said that thing out loud, the thing that you've been carrying in silence? What if it doesn't define you? The pressure to provide, to perform, to be strong for everyone else while I'm literally sometimes falling apart inside, And I'm supposed to do it all without complaining, without breaking, without asking for help.

Over six million men in The US experience depression annually. I'm one of them, and so many of us are are suffering in silence. I'm fighting this quiet war, and, honestly, some days some days I feel like I'm losing. But I'm talking about it now because maybe that's the first step. Just admitting just admitting it's happening.

If that's you, if you're fighting this war right now, I see you. And maybe we don't have to fight it alone anymore. Let's talk about something now that's happening to me, something that's hard to say out loud. Right now, I'm in a season where the thoughts are getting very dark, Not just negative. Not just I'm having a bad day.

I mean dark. The kind of thoughts that sometimes scare me, the kind that I'm ashamed of, the kind that makes me wonder if I'm the only person who thinks like this. Sleeplessness. I'm dealing with that right now. Tension in my chest that won't go away.

Pacing around my house at 2AM because I can't settle my mind. Eating for comfort because food is the only thing sometimes that makes me feel something other than anxious. And the thoughts, they come out of nowhere. I could be having a good day and then boom, intrusive thought, a flash of something terrible, something violent or something hopeless. And then the shame hits because I think, what kind of person thinks like this?

What's wrong with me? Have you ever had thoughts that scared you? Not because you'd act on it, but just because you thought it at all. Sometimes it feels almost like a demon. Something outside of me is whispering lies.

Sometimes it feels like the old programming, like my brain is just running a script I've it learned years ago. I honestly don't know what which it is. But either way, it's real, and it's sometimes it's terrifying. I haven't talked about this much. I haven't talked about it because I'm afraid.

I'm afraid if I say it out loud, people will think I'm crazy or or dangerous or broken beyond repair. But I'm saying it now because maybe someone listening needs to hear that they're not alone in this. I'm learning, slowly, that intrusive thoughts don't make you a bad person. They just make you a person, a person whose mind is trying to process trauma, stress, fear, and pain in the only way it knows how. And the more I try to suppress them, the louder they get.

So I'm trying something different. I'm acknowledging them, not agreeing with them, not acting on them. I'm just naming them. When they come, that's an intrusive thought. That's not true.

That's fear talking. I can't say it's working yet, but it's something. You're experiencing this right now. I want you to hear me. You are not your thoughts.

You are not defined by the darkest thing that's ever crossed your mind, and you're not alone in this fight. Alright. Let's shift gears a little bit. This is not just the dark thoughts that mess us up sometimes. It's sometimes it's just the overthinking.

And I'm notorious, and I mean notorious, for having big ideas and falling short on action. I'll get excited about something. I'll plan it out. I'll research it. I'll make a list.

I'll think about all the ways I could do it right, and then I'll think about all the ways I could go wrong. And that's where I get stuck. Because overanalyzing, that's just looking for an excuse to quit, I think. Let me give you an example. I wanted to learn guitar.

I bought a guitar multiple times. I watched YouTube videos. I practiced for, like, a month. And then I hit the beginner stage, you know, where you sound terrible, your fingers hurt, you're not good yet. I hated it.

I hate amateurism. I don't like the journey. I don't like being bad at something. I don't like learning how to do something. So I stopped because I didn't wanna play the guitar.

Still would love to learn how to play guitar, but because I couldn't stand being bad at something. I couldn't stand the awkward, uncomfortable, I don't know what I'm doing phase. What if you quit because you couldn't stand being a beginner? What did you walk away from? Not because you didn't want it, but because you weren't instantly good at it.

And that's the problem. I wanna skip from zero to master. Life doesn't really work like that. Growth doesn't work like that. Same thing with this podcast.

You know how many times I almost didn't start this? How many times I almost didn't start this recording? How many times I I talked myself out of it? Who's gonna listen? What if it's not good?

What if people think I'm a fraud? I could kill this whole thing by just overthinking it, and I've done that before. I've killed projects. I've killed relationships, opportunities, all because I analyze them to death instead of just doing the work. Now before I came on and recorded, I had the wonderful opportunity of meeting with one of the leading podcast podcast coaches.

And, you know, talking to someone who, you know, has coached podcasters and and knows podcasters who have a million downloads a month using terms of, like, 13 downloads, 16 downloads, and 30 downloads. And it it put me at ease a little bit. He also mentioned as to what's the why behind doing this. I think that's the most important in how to define success. For those who tuned in to the first episode, I wanna thank you very much.

When I looked at the statistics, the analysis of how many people listen to the podcast over the different avenues, I think it showed, like, 73. I was blown away. Maybe out of that 73, there's one or two that it resonated with, and I hope it helped every one of you that listened. What are you overthinking right now? What's the thing you keep planning, researching, perfecting, really never actually just starting?

So here's what I'm learning. I'm starting to learn that action beats overthinking every single time. You don't have to have it all figured out. You don't have to be perfect. You just have to start and then just keep going.

Even when it's messy, even when it's uncomfortable, even when you sound like a beginner playing the guitar or a beginner talking on a microphone. Because the only way out of the beginner stage is right through it. So let's talk about what might help because I am act actively searching for answers right now. These are things that I'm trying. Some work better than others.

Some I do. Some I wanna do. None of them are perfect, but I'll I need to try something. And, please, if you have any suggestions, if you wanna communicate, tell me what works for you, what has worked for you, please go to the website, www.redeem and rebuild.com. Sign up.

Subscribe. There will be a newsletter coming. You can reach out to me. I can respond. We can discuss it.

I would love that. Or just comment on wherever you're listening, Spotify, Apple Podcasts, whatever you're listening to, please reach out. First is a reality check here. Only about forty percent of men with mental illness actually receive treatment compared to fifty two percent of women. Sixty four percent of men wait over a week before seeking help after noticing symptoms.

Thirty one percent wait a month or longer. I have been one of those guys waiting, avoiding, convincing myself I can handle this. I got this. But waiting isn't making it better. Ignoring it isn't making it go away.

So here's some things I'm doing. First is the gym. I'll be honest. Trying to get this podcast going, it's kinda fell to the wayside a little bit. But I know everyone just says go to the gym.

But when my mind is spinning out of control, when the anxiety is through the roof, when I feel like I'm drowning, the gym is the one place my mind actually shuts up for an hour. I put on my motivational playlists. I lift heavy things. I don't run much. I don't do much cardio, although I should.

It's not a permanent fix. It gives me a break. And right now, I'll take it any way I can get it. I will have that playlist available on the website as well. Second is routine.

I'm trying to protect my routine, but be because when I have structure, I'm better. When I deviate from it, it falls apart fast. Now the challenge there is when you have kids, you have to have a routine that's somewhat flexible. You know, coming up in the near future, one of my daughters is going for a tonsillectomy and adenoids and tubes in her ears. So that's something that just disrupts your routine.

But that also is where the expectation is is to be the rock, to be the solid one. Now I don't know if that's a self expectation. I don't if that's my own mind playing the trick on me saying that's what everyone's expecting of you. That's how I feel. I feel like I'm not allowed to be scared because, you know, my partner is scared.

I'm not allowed to struggle with what's gonna occur. I'm just expected, hey. You gotta get up. Go to work. And the challenge is is when you work away, you know, there's a there's a a feeling that comes up over you that everyone thinks that when you're away, oh, you're just away on vacation because you're not here dealing with the day to day.

But I can tell you from someone who spent a career working away from his family, that's really not how it feels. And as much as it's challenging and it's frustrating dealing with the day to day with kids and everything else that you'd rather be there. You'd rather be in the thick of it. I have missed a lot of birthdays, a lot of special events. I think there's a lot of men out there that have that happen.

And I think sometimes the perception is is that that's okay. And I think sometimes that maybe there's a perception that that's what we'd prefer. It's not. It's really not. It's just for some of us that work in fields that require us to be on, We've learned that ability of just switching that part of us off because another part of us has to be on.

And if we're not on our game, people could get hurt, jobs could get lost, and that's where it all ties into pressure. That's why I say being everything for everyone all the time. And sometimes, most times, you can't be everything for yourself anytime. The third is prayer. This one's new for me, and, honestly, it it it really feels awkward.

I'm not good at it at all. I don't know what to say. I don't know. Don't know. It feels like I'm talking to the to a wall, but I'm trying.

Because there's something about saying the thoughts out loud to God, to the universe, to whatever is listening, that makes them feel less powerful. When they're just in my head, they feel massive. But when I just pray them out, they feel more manageable. Maybe that's God's work. The fourth one that I've used, and I've used this one a lot, and this one has been really helpful for me, it's perspective.

I keep telling myself, this too shall pass. I have been through hard things, breakups, battles with cancer, risks of job loss, dark nights on the soul. None of it lasted forever. So when my mind tries to convince me that this moment is permanent, that I'll always feel this way, that I'll never get better, that it will never get better, that the situation will never get better, that we'll always be in this season. I try to remind myself that I'm still here.

I've survived before. Maybe I'll survive this too. No. Not maybe. I will.

I don't know if these things are working yet. It's what I've got. And maybe that's enough for today. I wanna share something that has been holding on to me lately even when I'm not sure I believe it. It's Romans twelve two.

Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Renewing. Not perfecting, not fixing overnight. Renewing. I need that word right now because some days I feel like my mind is too far gone.

Like, it's too too broken to fix. Like, maybe it's this this is just who I am now. But that verse that verse says renewing, which means it's a process. It's daily. It's ongoing.

It's not a one time thing. And, honestly, I'm still wrestling with what it means. How do you renew something that feels stuck? How do you transform something that feels so heavy? I don't know yet, but I'm hoping that God isn't shocked by where I'm at, that he is not surprised by the darkness, that he's not disappointed by the mess.

Maybe he just wants to rebuild me one thought at a time. That's what I'm choosing to believe today even if it's hard to believe anything. Alright. Let's get practical. Because I'm looking for tools right now, things that might actually work.

So here's something that I'm experimenting with. It's called name the lie, replace it with truth. When that harsh inner voice shows up and says, you're not good enough, I try to stop. I name it. I say it out loud.

That's a lie. And then when I try to replace it with something true, I'll replace it with something like, I'm still learning. I'm still growing. I'm doing the best I can with what I've got. Does it work every time?

No. Sometimes it helps. Right now, I'll take sometimes. Another thing that I just started trying is journaling or voice notes or praying out loud, whatever gets the thought out of my head. Because as long as they're just swirling around in there, they have all the power.

But once I externalize them, once I see them on paper or hear them in my own voice, they lose some of their grip. Not all of it, but some. Here's the thing I really need right now. I can't do this alone. I've been trying to do it alone, and it's not working.

So I'm reaching out to friends, to people I trust. I'm even thinking about finding a therapist again, which honestly feels scary to admit. But if you're listening to this and you've got tools that work for you, send them my way. Seriously, DM me. Email me.

Comment on the episode because I'm searching for answers, and maybe we can figure this out together. I don't have this solved, but maybe we can build this community together. Maybe we can help each other, Help each other find the way through. If your mind has been bullying you, if you've been at at war with yourself for as long as you can remember, this podcast, it's for us. I don't have this figured out.

I'm not on the other side of this. I'm right in the middle of it with you. This podcast, it's part of my search for answers. It's me trying to figure out how to rebuild when everything feels broken. It's me refusing to just stay silent about the war I'm fighting any longer.

You don't have to be perfect to start rebuilding. You don't have to have it all figured out. You just have to be willing to show up one day at a time, one thought at a time, one small decision at a time. And I'm right here with you doing the work, fighting the fight, searching for the way through. So don't give up.

Don't quit. Don't let that voice convince you that you are too far gone because I'm refusing to believe that about myself. I'm refusing to believe it about you. If this has resonated with you, please share it with friends, coworkers, whoever you think could benefit from just knowing that there's other that there's others out there. Please leave a review.

Leave a comment. It helps get this podcast to the people that could really benefit from it. Come to the website. Sign up. Let's build a community.

Links in the show notes will be below. You can sign up to our Facebook page, sign up to our newsletter that will be coming soon. I'd love to hear from you. Every man deserves redemption. Every man can be rebuilt.

I'm choosing to believe that even on the days when I don't feel it, even when my mind is telling me otherwise. This podcast is me fighting back. This is me refusing to let darkness win without a fight. Your mind might feel like you're an enemy right now. Mine does too.

But maybe, just maybe, we can start to rewrite the program. One episode at a time. One conversation at a time. One honest moment at a time. Thanks for being here.

Thanks for doing the work with me. Thanks for not giving up. I'll see you next time.